I had a dream I was in treatment again. It was so strange.
It was in an inpatient facility and was a "family day" and I somehow was in a room with some other girl's family. Her waspy mother was grilling me about how sick I was [appeared to be] and how many times I had been in treatment. I had answered that I had been through this sort of thing many times before and that sometimes it stuck with me and others it didn't. She was very displeased with what I said, as though it meant her own child would also be doomed to my treatment pattern.
In the dream I kept panicking because my neck felt "too big", something I have never been preoccupied with in real life. I notice now that my neck feels bigger than it did in the dream, but I am not sure if this means anything.
On top of that, I was trying to run away the entire time. I found myself running, searching for back doors but upon finding one door, I realized it was locked, and so on until I had exhausted all measures and found only locked doors.
What does this dream mean? Is this dream a manifestation of some fucked up desire to be ill or a sign that I will never truly escape my eating disorder? Could this be a look into my future if I do not stay healthy or is this just my fears being laid out for me to see?
One of my biggest fears definitely is falling victim to my eating disorder yet again. For me, nothing would be worse than my life once again being controlled by Bulimia and Anorexia. I fight so hard every second of every day to push through any temptations and keep my eye on my goal: one year recovered.
I feel so close. I am SO close.
But what does this dream mean?
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